tj jude

in remembrance of

it’s a waste
of time
spent recollecting
for no one
cares to hear
but that’s not
why i do it
anyway
if i could
stop i would
stop but i can’t
stop even though
i know
i’ll never make
any short list
of must-reads
or change anything
or anyone
but here i go
again.

eighteen at a party
of i don’t know who’s
and i don’t remember where
but there i was
doing my best
to get high
and drunk and forget
whatever it was
i didn’t want to
remember which
was the life i
was living
and i’d never seen
him before and
he didn’t know me
but there he was
sitting at the picnic
table in the backyard
doing his best
to get high
and drunk and forget
whatever it was
he didn’t want to
remember which
was the life he
had lived as a
soldier in nam
and he sat there
at the picnic
table in the backyard
saying kill maim
destroy kill maim
destroy that’s what
they taught us to do
and he kept saying
kill maim destroy
kill maim destroy
and started to cry
as he kept saying
kill maim destroy
and i moved away
with everyone else
whose mellow he
was harshing
into the kitchen
and we all left
him sitting at the
picnic table crying
and saying kill maim
destroy kill maim destroy
and i thought then
that he was a freak
and maybe he was
a freak but that’s
what they made him
by teaching him to
kill maim destroy
and not letting him
know how to live
with it afterwards
and i know now
just how much
of an asshole
i was then.


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